The Caring Corner®
The Caring Corner – Staying Close When You Have to Stay Apart
We recently spoke with one client whose husband is in a skilled nursing facility. When she visits, she can only look through the window and talk to him by phone. An unexpected cruelty of the coronavirus is that people who need our love and attention due to their age or physical condition must be kept apart from us. Many have seen stories in the news of families who lost a loved one, perhaps due to COVID-19 or perhaps another medical condition, and were unable to be with them in their final hours because the hospital did not allow visitors.
Our own son had to be hospitalized recently for an emergency medical procedure. Thankfully, he is an adult and capable of being on his own; perhaps, he even prefers being on his own at this stage in his life! Still, it broke my heart to drive him to the hospital and say goodbye to him at the front door. Four days later, my wife and I picked him up, again meeting him at the facility door. It was as though he had taken a long weekend getaway and we had dropped him off and picked him up at the airport. As with all young people, he is extremely comfortable with technology and it was easy for us just stay in touch through FaceTime. There he was, lying in the hospital bed, just a few miles from our home but it was impossible for us to be with him during his health emergency. How much harder is it when your loved one is older, has cognition issues, is uncomfortable with technology and does not understand why you no longer come to visit.
One article stated it this way: Just What Older People Didn’t Need: More Isolation. They were referring to the restrictions on visitors imposed by assisted living and skilled nursing facilities in response to the pandemic. It’s a conundrum. Old age is already a time of loneliness for many. It is a time when companionship can make a huge difference in someone’s well-being. Ironically, due to COVID-19, that same companionship can kill you.
Even for the non-elderly population, the idea of social distancing is proving to be challenging. And while we have to keep our physical distance it is even more important that we do what we can to maintain our social connections. Loneliness and isolation have real physical consequences with increased probabilities of dementia, heart disease and other conditions.
For many of us, staying in touch now occurs using FaceTime, Zoom, Skype and other platforms. Online games let us have fun with a friend while being miles apart. People are learning new ways to enjoy each other’s company: virtual dates, virtual happy hours, virtual parties are changing how we spend our free time.
Of course, not all of us are able to embrace modern technology—particularly our elderly loved ones. For these folks, a simple phone call still works great. And don’t overlook the tremendous connection you can make with really “old fashioned” techniques like sending a card or writing a letter. The simple process of receiving a piece of mail, looking at the return address, wondering what’s inside, opening it and, finally, enjoying the message can have a huge impact on someone’s state of mind. These retro tools can be a great way to check in and keep a connection alive.
Here are additional suggestions for staying close while we stay apart:
- Ask other members of your family to write short notes or send cards to an older family member who is alone. Perhaps a younger family member, niece, nephew or grandchild can make them a drawing. This way, the burden is not just on you.
- Schedule time to watch the same TV show or movie, then connect by phone to discuss it. This can be done with even a small group of people to talk about what you liked about the film, what you found funny, how it motivated you.
- If you live close to where they are, have a visit through the window or by standing a safe distance apart. You can each be reassured and see the other’s smile, hear their voice, and share their emotions
- Arrange virtual family visits that include more than one family member and are set at a regularly scheduled time. If mom does not know how to use her iPad, ask staff members at her facility to help her turn it on. Arrange a regular date with a few family members so the visits don’t get forgotten and so mom and dad have something to look forward to. While a digital visit is not as satisfying as being there in person. It does allow more people to participate from wherever they are.
- Be neighborly! Check in on older neighbors. If someone in your neighborhood is older or at greater risk due to their health, reach out and see if they need anything when you go to the supermarket. Aside from helping you make a connection with a neighbor and helping protect them from exposure to the virus, your act helps reduce the spread of the disease by eliminating another trip that someone (your neighbor) makes into town.
- Maintain connection with organizations. There are plenty of ways for mom and dad to stay active in the community while staying at home. There are a numerous clubs and charitable organizations that have online activities that can help people continue to feel like they are a part of their local community. You, or a younger person of your family, might need to offer guidance to get them set up; but it’s a great way to get elders comfortable with technology and the new possibilities it offers.
- If you’re out and about with your mask or bandana on, wave at others you run into from a safe distance of at least six feet to help keep a sense of connection alive
- Make letter writing a “project”. Letters and care packages are an awesome way to connect. Small items, photos, even drawings from younger family members make wonderful gifts and provide a sense of reassurance to seniors, letting them know that you are thinking of them and they are remembered by their loved ones.
The threat posed by the coronavirus and the ongoing uncertainty it creates in our daily lives are difficult for everyone. Especially for our elder loved ones, prospect of being isolated is real. It can eventually lead to stress, depression, poorer health and even cognitive decline.
